


I'm So Sorry/Only Yours

by crabsmasher



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cas is depressed, Cas thinks his love is unrequited, Dean Winchester mentioned only in the letter, I'm Bad At Tagging, Love Confession, Love Letters, M/M, Or Is It?, Please be nice, Unrequited Love, author doesn't usually write on this account, confession letter, this actually started out as a love letter the author wrote a year ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:42:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28679094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crabsmasher/pseuds/crabsmasher
Summary: Cas writes a Confession letter to Dean.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	I'm So Sorry/Only Yours

Dean,

I am well aware that over the years I have inadvertently said this to you quite a few times, but I can assure you that this is the last.

You have somehow managed to slip your way into my heart and thoughts for years on end.

It feels like an eternity now. I’ve lived through all of history and creation. I have seen countless civilizations rise and fall. I have seen all of human time, but it feels like mere seconds compared to the time that I have known you.

I know I am nothing to you, compared to what you are to me, and I've made peace with that. My love isn't strong enough for the both of us; I know this.

Over the years I've tried distracting myself with others to fill the gaping hole that is left by your spotted absence in my life. A few of them even made me convince myself I was over you, but they weren't you. Nobody came close. One even left me because he knew that you meant more to me than he ever could.

I understand that you can't love me back, as you once loved Lisa, and again, I've made peace with that. I hated her for the longest time, and I convinced myself that this was because she wasn't good enough for you. I now realize that I hated her because she wasn't me. She got your love and I had to stand by and watch. To this day I still hate her a bit for it.

I do not wish for you to pity me as you have before. I don't want for you to feel as though this is your fault. This is nothing but how I feel. 

Since the beginning I have only felt the deepest admiration and care for you, and that part hasn't and will not be changed. My love for you, however, has only grown stronger.

I remember our first hunt together. I remember being unbelievably terrible at hunting. I remember you trying to comfort me and telling me that I “showed promise.” We ate at a greasy diner and later watched one of your favorite old Western films. You accidentally fell asleep on my shoulder. I still cry when I think about that day. It was the happiest of my existence.

The funny thing is, in books and movies, unrequited love works itself out. It's mutual and both people figure it out and they live happily. It took me so long to realize that human life isn't like that. Unrequited love is actually unrequited. There is no happiness. There is only pain. I figured that out the hard way.

Every day I tell myself that I'm being ridiculous. Your friendship, your brotherhood, should be more than enough for me, so why isn't it? Even as I write this down I know it'll be months or even years before I gather up the courage to even think about telling you all this. I may never tell you.

I just want you to know that it has been 9 years, and I am still hopelessly, desperately, and deeply in love with you. I love you so much it hurts. I love you in a way that makes my heart sing when I hear your name and my stomach drop when you're not there.

The other angels tell me that it is impossible to know, on the contrary, I believe it's been too long with me feeling this to not know.

This is crazy and desperate, I know. I should've gotten over you by now, I know. This is probably going to break my friendship with you, I know. You might never look at me or talk to me again, I know.

It's going to hurt getting rejected by you, but it hurts a lot more keeping it in. 

I want to tie up all my loose ends, and this is the one that's bugging me the most.

I'm not going to leave yet, I don't think. I just needed you to know before it's too late.

Please know that my heart has always belonged to you and only you. I'll be damned if there will ever be someone else. 

You may stop talking to me after this. But I'll be ready then.

Just know I love you with all that I am.

I love you

I'm so sorry

Only yours

-Cas


End file.
